in all my twenty one years (fuck off im 21 still), i've never allowed myself to be that girl to stand there, and have her heart in the palm of another and him having the option of crushing it. until now. and i still ask "is it worth it."

the crushing disappointment, when someone isn't able to meet your expectations or be there for you when you need him most, or worse, have you realize you might possibly be in this alone is alone to make me wonder, "is it worth it?"

i've possibly experienced that feeling for the first time ever last night. for once in the entire length of two years, i felt let down and disappointed. it was enough to make me re-evaluate my options and my future. the quiet in my voice as i said "i might want to go back to australia." over the phone.

sometimes i really want to ask myself why does it always seem like im searching for a reason just to pick up a fight, sometimes when there is really no good reason to? why am i always looking for something bad to happen just so i can prepare myself in case something bad really happens? "you like to push people away when they want to care about you."

maybe people do it because they don't want to sink so deep in case they can't climb back out. maybe people are afraid to love because they've been hurt before and can't afford to do it again. just because you're experienced in relationships doesn't make you good at it. it might as well mean you've been making the same mistakes over and over again with different people.

i don't ever want to feel the way i did last night ever again.